Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
you traded sex for a burrito?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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