was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
