take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
