it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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