Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
