nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
