Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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