Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
