i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
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I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
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I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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