I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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