also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
