Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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