i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
