Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
