Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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