I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
