Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
