I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
