I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
