Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
