I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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