Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
