I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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