Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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