"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
