This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
