Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
