Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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