the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
