tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
