well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
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We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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