I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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