I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
