I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
