were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
