have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
