I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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