i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
