i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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