I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
