also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
