Betty ford says i'm here all night
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
