please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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