If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
