If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
