either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
