Where is the hickey?
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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