his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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