hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
