nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
