I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
