Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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