hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
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this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
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I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
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