I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
