the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Randomize
