as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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