What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
