Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
