We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
